Rhino Fausta to take Rhino Frida on a date

Amby Lusekelo

MAY 3 is World Press Freedom Day. Oh, happy day I thought to myself then laughed out loud. I inherited my late Dad’s sense of humour because I see the sense of humour in anything.

If all else fails, I will consider becoming a stand-up comic but that’s a story for another day.

But seriously, the words ‘press’ and ‘freedom’, being so completely dissociated in the country right now but mark my words, there will be someone, somewhere who will issue a press release commemorating the day.

The press release will give [fake] praise and all that good stuff and the press corps will be encouraged to keep doing their jobs confidently as if they were working to the Promised Land. World Press Freedom Day will be just another Wednesday in Tanzania because we have to watch it.

We really, really, have to watch it. However, do you know who does not have to watch it? Rhino Fausta. Did you know this 54-year-old rhino (yes, a wild animal) is living it up in Ngorongoro Conservation Area and costing the government 64m/- per month? That is approx. $30,000 Rhino Fausta is living it up and has nothing to worry about and absolutely does not do any watching.

This discovery was made when the minister in charge of Natural Resources and Tourism Minister admitted in parliament that the government was spending this amount per month for the wild animal. Apologies, I mean Rhino Fausta.

There was no mention of Rhino John who was also being ‘maintained’ by the government. Everybody seems to have forgotten about Rhino John but, let me watch it. Rhino Fausta did not received any memos regarding having to watch anything really. Not the amount he uses on his food allowance, not his cable TV subscriptions (home and office), not his monthly entertainment allowance and not even his wardrobe allowance.

This has got to be the only way to explain 64m/- (approx. $30,000) per month expense that the government of the united republic of Tanzania is spending on this wild animal. Gosh, I apologise again. I mean Rhino Fausta.

In an effort to understand this issue, a friend of mine decided that Rhino Fausta was actually being kept at such an expense not for research as was claimed because really, how much can you learn from a 54-year-old rhino?? But rather because he was being groomed to mate with a Rhino Frida to produce a Rhino Filip.

In a show of solidarity with the government, you know, being patriotic citizens and all, we decided that this was in fact the only reason. That the government of the united republic, is actually sponsoring the preparation for a real expensive date.

At 54 years of age, Rhino Fausta is the luckiest bachelor in Tanzania because really, as other bachelors are struggling to take their dates out in this economy, he has the government covering the bill. Meanwhile, where is Rhino John? Actually, never mind.

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