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Even with new resolutions, I will not fear

Even with new resolutions, I will not fear

As others start talking in low tones about a new constitution, it reminded me of the new one that my family put in place at the beginning of the year, which instead of calling it the new resolutions, my wife decided to call it the new constitution.

Kit reminded me that as the year 2021 came into being, I swore that I will never lie to myself that I will have some new resolutions (or constitution), because if you remember right, I made my stand that this year I will not go under the influence of putting new resolutions, therefore I decided that I will have none.

It is fortunate that some of my family members decided that this year they will entertain a new constitution (read resolution), and I did not see the need to discourage them.

The mother of my clan, mama Boyi, decided that this year she wanted to end the monopoly of money in my house, which is to say that she wanted to be her own boss, earning her own money, and being the master of her fate…….and I said a big hallelujah to that!

The other resolution which is part of the new constitution which she put in place is that she will never allow the demons who have put a permanent residence in my head to spoil her mood, which in short means that she decided that this year she will not be staying awake in the wee hours waiting for me to make my way home clutching brown bottles in both hands.

To me that meant that the greasy frying pan she always wields with so much accuracy will be put to an early retirement, and that this year I will have the freedom of spending quality time at Zakayo’s Pub without the fear that the Nyakiusa woman is waiting for me with her frying pan……to that I remember I said a big amen!! The domestic thug who has been responsible for the drastic loss of hair on my head decided that to make the new constitution juicier, he decided to be close to Jah, which in other words meant that this year there will be no shaking of some imaginary dreadlocks, because he will have real ones on his head.

This also meant that chanting down Babylon (which in this case happens to be me and his mother) will be on top of his agenda, and partaking of the holy herb, as he calls marijuana, will also be one of his important missions of life.

My daughter the Investment who harbours ambitions of becoming a slay queen (whatever that means) on the other hand decided that this year should not end before she has a steady boyfriend, and I told her the truth, that she is courting disaster, because now I will have to kill two people. Because the mother of my clan took her time to draft a new constitution in the form of resolutions for the benefit of the family, recently I decided to reward her courage by taking her on a dinner date, and the mistake I made was to tell her in advance.

It was on a Wednesday when I told her about the upcoming dinner date, and after so many years, I saw a genuine happiness on her face, but after that she reminded me about it every waking hour.

I was supposed to take her out on Saturday evening, and you will be surprised, but I was looking forward to it, and I told Jatello not to look for me on that particular day.

“Omera, does it mean that because we are looking for a new constitution you are thinking of changing company? If there is another joint you have discovered then as a good friend you are supposed to let us know yawa!” he said, and I assured him that there was nothing of the sort.

That particular day I reported in the office as always, and at around 2pm mama Boyi called me and told me that she had bought a new dress to impress me on the special outing. By the time I left the office it was heading to six, and I decided to swallow two cold ones before proceeding home, and it was around seven when I started heading home, and this is after about a thousand calls from the mother of my clan.

I was coming from Tazara, and when I reached External in Ubungo, I noticed the chaos caused by the traffic jam, and actually that is where my problems began, because after two hours, I had just moved about 50 meters only. And it was after those 50 meters that my collection of metal I call my car decided that it was high time some real fuel was put into it, so it coughed three times before the engine went silent.

There was no way I was going to push it away from the road, because the traffic did not show any signs of letting up, so I switched on the hazard lights and headed towards the nearest petrol station carrying an empty gallon.

The intensity with which my wife was calling caused my phone to imitate the car, and the poor battery died just as I was telling her, for the umpteenth time, that I will be home as soon as the traffic lets up. I found my car in the same spot, but other drivers were cursing me all around because, according to them, I was holding traffic. I found one of my side mirrors was missing.

“Mzee toa kopo lako barabarani!” one driver shouted at me as I made an effort of fuelling the car. By the time I moved another 50 meters, it was heading to eleven.

I knew for sure I was in big trouble, and this was confirmed when I finally made it home, because I found mama Boyi waiting for me, holding the dreaded frying pan, the weapon which I thought had been put to retirement.

I reminded her that she made a resolution not to use the pan on my head again, and assured her that I was held up in traffic. With speed and accuracy of a veteran tennis player, the bloody thing landed on my bald head, and as I tried to clear the stars dancing in front of my eyes, I heard her saying softly….. “You have been hit by traffic!”

Driving car is rocket science to my wife

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