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Sometimes boys never become men

LIVING in uswahili can be very challenging at times, because you have to deal with all types of characters.

There are characters that can spoil your day at a very early stage, and to recover from that you have to be very strong, because if you are intolerant like yours truly, then you end up living a miserable life.

I have been living in Manzese for quite a number of years now, and to tell you the truth, I do not foresee any possibility of me moving from that place very soon, that is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

For all these years I have tried to cope with all the funny characters who surround me, and I thank God because the mother of my clan is so comfortable with the Swahili setting that I have a feeling that soon she will run for councillor.

Despite the fact that you try to tolerate your neighbours, there are some people who will use all their efforts to try and crack your patience, and looking at them, you wonder whether they get a massive kick out of that.

You see, there is a certain fellow living about two houses from me, a young fellow called Saidi the Gaidi, who has been responsible for my foul mood for the last three days.

This fellow who is about 35 years has been living with his mum until one year ago, when he was kicked out because of improper behaviour, which included invading his mother’s bedroom with two twilight girls.

The fellow moved to our neighbourhood after his mother kicked him out, and two weeks after he moved in he started irritating me, because it seemed he knew the right buttons to press to succeed in ticking me off.

According to researched and very reliable information (any umbea coming from mama Boyi has to be reliable) this fellow got lucky and found himself a woman with money, in other words, he got a very well established sugar mummy.

Because this woman has a lot of money which always tickles her unless she uses it, she decided to conduct a major shopping for her new love, and among the things she bought for the fellow included a massive music system which can fit very well in a night club.

From that day onwards, this character has been terrorising me with loud music, and it becomes worse on days when I stagger back from Zakayo’s Pub in the wee hours of morning and try to catch some sleep.

As if he is working on contract, this fellow will immediately switch on his music, and the pounding in my head gets worse because of the loud noise from his house.

My reliable source in the form of my wife told me that once in a while the woman, who looks like somebody’s grandmother, comes and spend the night at the young fellow’s house.

I had never met the woman until the other day when she came in my house to try and remove the young fellow who had come to seek asylum after the woman threatened to transfer him to his maker.

You see, that day I was very broke, and mama Boyi was surprised to see me at home when the sun was still high in the sky, and because my wife can never observe something in silence, she made it her point to irritate me further.

“He he heeeee!makuuuubwa!afadhali ukose hela kila siku ili uonekane nyumbani babaaa!,” she said, meaning that it would be a good idea if I permanently operate on an empty wallet so that I can spend more time at home.

I had collected all the day’s newspapers, so I sat comfortably outside in the shade with the idea of reading all of them one at a time, although my hand missed lifting a glass full of cold, frothy Ilala product.

I was in my second paper when all of a sudden the gate was kicked open and Saidi the Gaidi stumbled inside, and he looked like someone who was being chased by a pack of hungry lions.

He spotted me under the tree and came running towards me, his face expressing fear, and his eyes darting behind him as if he was looking at the distance for his pursuer.

“Baba Boyi, please hide me, that woman will surely kill me when she gets her hands on me, please I beg you, I know I have been robbing you of your sleep sometimes, but this is a matter of life or death,” he said, hiding behind me.

I was about to inquire about the nature of his problem when the gate was violently pushed in and a massive, old woman entered like a rally car approaching the finish line.

She looked at me and the cowering figure behind me, and in her hands she was carrying a knife which would have made a veteran butcher green with envy.

Of course I tried to calm the situation, but that is after the old lady said that she had returned unexpectedly and found Saidi in the process of breaking the seventh commandment.

But when the woman told me that the fellow was committing the sin with non other than her own daughter, I personally dragged the Gaidi outside and told the woman to administer justice on the fool!


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